Collaborative law, on the other hand, means both parties retain separate lawyers and contractually agree to openly disclose all documents and information, respect each other, and protect children as much as possible. “If you can’t do mediation, collaborative law is a good way to go if you’re amicable,” says Newman. “You have more control over the schedule, and you can bring a divorce coach and a child specialist into the mix.” But the drawback is if things break down and you decide you do want to go to the litigation route, you have to start all over with new attorneys.
Litigation is the most traditional route—and the most expensive and time-consuming. You and your spouse usually hire divorce attorneys and duke it out until a settlement is reached, either by you or a judge. That said, litigation doesn’t mean you’re definitely going to wind up in court, and, in fact, most cases don’t go to trial. “They settle at some point," says Newman. "It’s just a question of when and how much you’re going to spend.” But you can go to court, maybe even a few times.
If none of the above sounds like something you and your ex are up for, there’s always the “kitchen table option,” whereby you sit down and figure it out yourselves, says Newman—but she doesn’t recommend it. “It can get complicated, because it’s hard to negotiate. It depends on personality and the level of anger.”
There’s also the online route, which she also doesn’t recommend. Sure, it might be fine if you have no assets, no kids, no pets, and nothing to divide. Think of it this way: “You could probably do your own stitches too, by watching a YouTube video. But I wouldn’t recommend it.”
Step 3: Choose representation.
Often people choose an attorney before they learn how to start the divorce process. Newman urges people to go the process route first—see Step 2—so they decide the path they’re walking down at the outset instead of letting it be determined by whoever they work with. And as for representing yourself? Unless you're an attorney by trade, it's not recommended. “It’s extremely important to hire a lawyer that's knowledgeable, responsive, and who you trust,” says Wollack. “In my opinion there are simply too many unknowns for a layperson to adequately represent himself or herself and end up with a good result.”
Once you’ve made that decision and start working with a lawyer, you’ll typically fill out a statement of net worth, i.e., an assessment of your assets, liabilities, budget, and income. At the same time, you might be working to get a custody agreement in place if you have kids (or pets) and making decisions about who is leaving your shared home.
Step 4: Wait. And wait.
How long it takes to get divorced is often a reflection of how complicated your divorce is—and it can last anywhere between a couple of months to years, says Wollack. “Some people don’t realize that divorce can be a really long process,” he says. “Whether parties litigate or negotiate a settlement out of court, it almost always takes longer than the parties want or expect it to—and it almost always costs more than people plan. They should keep this in mind; otherwise they’ll find themselves getting very frustrated by the process.”
Step 5: Brace your bank account.
Speaking of costs: It all depends on where you are and the specifics of your circumstances. “On one end of the spectrum are lawyers who take a flat fee to handle an uncontested divorce,” says Wollack, “and on the other end are lawyers who charge more than $1,000 per hour. Initial retainer fees can range from a few thousand dollars to over $50,000 for larger case. It’s not uncommon for lawyer fees in New York City divorces to total in the tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I’ve seen fees in some ‘big money’ cases total more than a million dollars.”
